Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Ninja With Size 11 Feet......

To surprise my husband for our anniversary one year I decided I would plan a little weekend away for us.  Our children were still very young, we had just re-located to a new state with my husband's job, and we were beyond  stressed trying to adjust to yet another city and find a new house.  We were in desperate need of some kid-free,  just 'us' time.  I made arrangements with his parents to watch the kids and got started searching the Internet for getaway ideas.

I didn't want us to have to spend too much time driving anywhere, since we would only have 2 nights and 2 days for this getaway, so I decided Milwaukee was close enough for us to get to, but far enough away for us to feel 'away'.  I searched and searched for a hotel within walking distance to restaurants, museums, shops, etc.  I wanted a big room on a high enough floor to have a nice view of the city.  I wanted a hotel with a pool, room service and extra amenities.  I figured since it was our anniversary and we hadn't gone away sans children in years, why not?  I finally found a Hilton that met all my criteria.  Perfect!  I made the reservations and started the list-making session for things to pack.

After digging through the boxes we were living out of, I started packing up the kids' clothes, toys, stuffed animals, blankies, bottles and formula, and created one overly-detailed "in case of'..... chart of instructions".   I stuffed four large duffles and one suitcase in the trunk, belted in the kids into their carseats and headed for the in-laws.  The kids protested with the customary crying and whining but, I held my ground (at least in front of them) and a mere two hours later I was back in the car driving home trying earnestly to ignore the gnawing, self-inflicted "Mommy" guilt for leaving my children to do something so selfish as quality alone time with their Daddy.  By the time I reached the apartment I had talked myself out of the guilt and shame and had re-newed my focus on having a great 'quality time' weekend with my husband.  My goal was to pack for both of us, Map-quest the quickest route and load up the Jeep all before my husband even got home from work.  All he would have to do was shower and change his clothes.  (aren't I sweet??? )

I had just crossed the "load up Jeep" off my list when the phone rang.  It was my hubby calling to say he had an incident at work he had to straighten out and that he wouldn't be home for an hour, at best.  "Well crap" I thought to myself......

Three CDs and a half a pack of cigarettes later, my husband finally came through the door.  By the time he changed his clothes and we backed out of the parking lot, it is was going on 9pm.  We zipped through the drive-thru at McDonald's and were finally off, on our anniversary adventure to Milwaukee, WI.

Twenty minutes into the drive I dozed off only to awake to the sound of the tires swerving onto those edge-of-the-road, almost-in-the-ditch, rumble strips.  I look over to see that my husband has actually leaned his seat back into a semi-reclined position, with his head resting all the way back on the headrest, quickly succumbing to his own exhaustion.  I could not believe my eyes!  I must be dreaming!   He has totally forgotten that he is driving a motor vehicle on a highway, with the cruise control set at 75MPH!!!  "What in the hell are you doing?" I screech.  In response to my outrage and disbelief, I get the "I've been up since 4am and working all day,  I can't help it" speech.  Of course with me being a good wife, I misinterpret this to mean he's really saying I have done nothing all day but sit around and eat bon-bons while he has been slaving away at work.  Naturally, name calling and arguing ensued.  He pulls off the highway on a desolate exit ramp, we change places in the traditional "Chinese Fire Drill" style, and hop back onto the highway.  Within 3 minutes, he is leaned all the way back in the passenger seat, sound asleep and snoring like a buzz-saw.  I crank the music, slap myself in the face a few times and light a cigarette.  We are off to a great start.

Finally I, the woman, get us to our destination safely.  (to be honest, I did have to do a couple of turn-arounds and one 'off-the-exit-WHOOPS!-back-on-the-highway-off-at-the-right-exit' maneuver, but he slept through all of them, so I consider it a victory for all women regardless)  I pull into the parking garage attached to the hotel, drive around and around and around, all the way to the tippy top "nosebleed" section and put the Jeep into PARK.  For one brief moment I consider leaving him in the Jeep to fend for himself and checking into our stately room alone.  But being the good wife I am, I attempt to wake him. (side note----my husband, when asleep, could sleep soundly while being drug behind a team of wild horses across two state lines and through a  river filled with snapping turtles......)

Half an hour later, road weary and still grumbling at one another, we are standing in front of a man who resembles a strange hybrid of Elvis and Howdy-Dowdy, checking into our 'love nest' for the weekend.  The oh-so helpful Mr. Flaming Muttonchops hands us our keys and immediately goes back to his rousing game of solitaire.  After wandering the 7th floor for what seemed like hours, dragging our matching luggage and bruised egos behind us, we find our room.  It is now going on midnight, and I start to cry.  After blubbering on about "our first night being away without the kids now wasted with fighting and driving" and how "this was supposed to be a great weekend for us" and mutual "I didn't mean it's"  my husband and I find ourselves apologizing to one another and kissing in the hallway.  We decide to leave all of the "bad start" behind us and enter into a great weekend starting..... now.  I put the keycard into the door and nothing happens.......that little red light remains red, denying us entry into our room.  Now we are out in the hallway laughing like a couple of insane, punch-drunk hyennas.....

I leave the luggage and my giggling husband piled on the floor outside the room and set off back down to the lobby to confront Mr. Flaming Muttonchops once again.  I found the 'employee of the year' peering into his computer screen intently, chewing his gum like a cow chewing cud, and chatting away on his cell  phone like a school-girl.  I politely explained the situation to him, to which he muttered something and gave me an obviously annoyed  nod.  He grabbed another keycard, slide it through a machine and handed it to me, without so much as a smile...not that I expected one from this 'personality of a toad' character.  I slide the new key into my back pocket and head off to rescue my poor hubby, who I could imagine changed into his pjs, curled up on top of his suitcase, snoring and oblivious to his surroundings.  I rounded the corner toward the bank of elevators and pushed '7'.  Just as I was stepping in, I turn to see my husband stepping out of the next elevator.  He was laughing so hard he had tears running down his face.  "What are you doing?  Where is all of our stuff?" I ask.  Once he composed himself, he begins to tell me something about making new friends and how our luggage is safe in our room.  I looked at him with a confused and equally concerned expression, which started him laughing hysterically again.  At this point,  I am convinced that the stress of the move, his zealous-like work ethic, the long drive and the late hour has finally pushed him into the realm of insanity.  I make the decision to put him to bed as quickly and quietly as possible and hope he can sleep it off....now if only Mr. Flaming Muttonchop's newest keycard will work.....

My poor, sleep-deprived, on-the-verge husband stops in front of the door, pulls out a keycard and opens the door.  I step in, ready to take in this glorious, spacious room I have been envisioning since I reserved it.......I am stopped dead in my tracks, in total and utter shock.  There had to be some mistake.....this room is barely bigger than a coat closet!!  There is a tiny table and two tiny chairs in the corner slightly to the left of floor-to-ceiling burgundy drapes, and one giant king-sized bed flanked on either side by two teensy bed-side tables.  Everything but the enormous bed and drapes had a doll-house-like quality, making me suddenly feel like a giant lost in some miniature-fairytale-land.  I went in search of the bathroom, hoping and praying the toilet and shower were at least full-sized.  Much to my relief, the bathroom appeared to be proportionate.  Okay, so not the room I had envisioned, or thought I was reserving, but all part of the adventure.  I was determined that this would still be a great weekend.

It was now after 1:00am and I suddenly realized I had no idea where my husband had gone to.  He was not in the room, he wasn't anywhere in the hall........somehow during all my investigating , he had vanished like a ninja.  I figured he would show up eventually, so I began the 'nesting' of our room.  I was putting clothes in the closet, lining up the toiletries on the bathroom counter and in the shower, and I heard a knock at the door.  I open it to find my husband standing there with an armful of cokes and junk food, all smiles.  He had gone down to the lobby and raided the vending machines for a midnight snack for us to share.  I think to myself, "this is why I fell in love with this man...."  I couldn't resist that face and that smile........

Thirty minutes later, we were wedged into those tiny little chairs at the tiny little table, laughing, talking and staring at a pile of empty coke cans and wrappers.  Suddenly it hit me........how had his keycard worked?  I had the new set still in my back pocket......It was at this point my hubby explained that the first room we had tried  to get into was actually the room reserved by a Mr. & Mrs. Thompson from Minnesota.  When I had left to go back to the lobby, Mr. Thompson had opened the door, thinking someone was trying to break into his room, only to find my husband sitting there amid a pile of luggage at his doorstep.  I now realized that my husband wasn't kidding that he had made new friends!  There we both sat, laughing so hard we were crying and snorting at what was surely becoming one of the nuttiest nights of our lives.  It was now going on 2:30am and we were both sufficiently hopped up on sugar and caffeine.  My hubby was wide awake, hyper and restless, so he decided to go off and explore the hotel while I stayed in the room to take a shower and finish putting things away.

I was bent over struggling to set the microscopic alarm clock with my giant fingers, when I heard him returning from his excursion.  I turned my head just in time to see my husband running full-tilt toward the bed, leap into the air, do a forward flip and WHAM!.......I saw nothing but a blinding flash of light followed by the prettiest, most sparkliest stars.......

The next thing I remember is laying on the floor sandwiched between the nightstand and the bed and my husband's face looking down at me.  He, again, was laughing hysterically and in tears, although I hadn't the foggiest idea why.  When he realized I was coming to, he managed to feign a look of concern and then burst into laughter once more.  I lay there dazed, trying to piece together why in the world I was on the floor, and why I had such a throbbing headache, and what could possibly be so funny to him.  I heard the door slam shut and attempted to pull myself up onto the bed and try to make sense of what was going on.  I made it about halfway up and the room began to spin as though I had spent the last few hours on a Tilt-A-Whirl.  What was going on???  Where was I???  Where was my husband?-- wasn't he just here...... laughing?  Why is this bed so big and that table is so small??  "I need to lay down for a minute", I thought.  I had just laid my head down hoping everything would make sense and the room would stop swaying.........was that the door slamming again?  Suddenly ninja-like, my husband appeared next to me with a giant bag of ice, a bottle of Ibuprofen and that sweet smile of his..........He gently pulled me up into a sitting/slouching position, stuffed three Ibuprofen in my mouth, handed me Coke and began apologizing profusely.  He was beginning his sixth or seventh "I'm so sorry, are you okay?" when I faded out again.

The sound of a door shutting woke me up.  I opened my eyes and didn't recognize anything around me.  I sat up quickly in a panic.  Whoa!........why does my head hurt so bad???  Why can't I see out of my right eye???  Where the hell am I???  Out of nowhere my husband appeared like a ninja, with coffee, three Ibuprofen, an ice bag and a cream-cheese covered bagel.  He gave me the strangest, most sympathetic look and began recounting the happenings of the night before,  kissed my head and apologized over and over again.  Holding the ice bag to my pounding head  and swallowing the pills, I smiled, assured him everything was fine and joked that we'd never forget this anniversary.

I grabbed my cup of coffee and slowly stood up, waited for the room to stand still and headed to the window to see the city we would be exploring together.  I pulled the curtains back to find myself staring at the ugly, backside of a giant, brick building.  "Well, why not?" I mumbled and closed the curtains back up again.  I forced my backside into one of the tiny chairs and slugged down my coffee.  At this point, after all we'd been through already,  I was hell-bent on making the most of our only full day in Milwaukee.

We hadn't really made any plans on what to do or when, we just decided to wing it and go where the wind blew us.  I  looked at my watch....it was already almost 1:00pm!!!  Why did I sleep so long?
I certainly didn't want to spend my anniversary, venturing out into the city so disheveled, still wearing the clothes from last night, so I decided to take a shower and try to put myself together.  I pictured my husband and I walking hand in hand, peering into store windows, giggling with one another, eating dinner in a dark corner of a lovely little restaurant somewhere.....a happy, attractive young couple, celebrating another year of wedded bliss......

After taking a very hot, very steamy shower my head had cleared some and I felt much better.  I put a towel on my head, stepped to the sink........and......What in the name of all that's holy?????   There I stood squinting into the mirror....staring back at someone who vaguely resembled me......a me with one hell of a swollen and black eye, and a matching bruised cheek and chin.  I moved in for a closer view.....holy crap!  I had a black eye!  What's this???.... The bruising on my cheek and chin looked just like a size 11 footprint.......

1 comment: