Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Warrior Dash--"Predictions of Pain"

{The following is an e-mail I sent to a few friends with whom I am considering entering into an insane competition called "Warrior Dash".   As of yet, a decision still has not been reached......}

Have you looked at the obstacle course map/description??  Here is the link…..    (You may prefer to take a sedative first)

Personally, my concerns are “Blackout” (I’m supposed to jump into what and come out where?  And what exactly is in-between??) and “Hay Fever” (severe asthmatic meets giant mountain of hay… can we say ‘oxygen’?) ; Hopefully my inner ears will be in top form to aid with the balance needed in the “Rio Run”, “Cargo Climb” and “Walk the Plank”; “Knee High Hell” will do wonders for the annoying swelling and pain I’ve been experiencing in my knees the last 7 or 8 years; :Lumber Jacked” should be the easiest one of them all, pending the logs don’t get much above 4 or 5 inches…….; I look at “Muddy Mayhem” and the first thing that pops into my mind is “boy, I hope I don’t lose a contact!”; “Mossy Maze” should be something I might survive, and all those late-night re-run episodes of “Survivor Man” and “Man v. Wild” will be especially useful during the week it will take me to find my way out of the forest; and then to top off the entire experience, the “q” on the tip of the whole thing…..they want me to use my tired, bruised, muddied and bloodied legs and my straw-filled, closed-off, diseased lungs to run fast enough and hurdle high enough over flames and not set myself on fire?  How about I just stand there and let them throw gasoline on me?  I will most assuredly be hairless and a few shades darker after “Warrior Roast”.

The more I think about this  whole thing the more I think, do I really hate myself this much?  Do I thrive on the dangerous, adrenaline-pumping excitement of it all?  Strangely, the answer to both of those is “no”.  Why then am I willing to pay money to end up in the ICU with a laundry-list of physical and mental injuries?  (i.e. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and separation anxiety (Blackout); severe respiratory distress (Hay Fever); numerous broken bones, rope burns and water-log-ed-ness (“Rio”, “Cargo” and “Plank”); severely arthritic knee joints (Knee High Hell); hepatitis C from grogging through mud (Mayhem); dehydration, hypothermia and some kind of parasite from wandering in the woods for days (Mossy Maze); and finally, as if that wasn’t enough, third degree burns on my ass (Roast)
But hell, I say bring it on……I want those Viking horns!!  

Vi snakkes  (that’s Norwegian for “talk to you later”………)

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